Judging Judy
It’s probably not a good sign when you find yourself flipping through seventy channels of mostly nonsense in search of inspiration for writing. Nonetheless, doing just this, I stumbled across “Judge Judy”. This has to be one of the most aggravating programs I’ve ever seen. Regardless of who is right or wrong in the case, Judy always seems to know the verdict that is most just. She can, based on a couple of key words and telling aspects of body language, accurately determine the guilt, or lack thereof, of every defendent.
Would that I had such powers of perception. I know a few circumstances where this ability would be quite handy. Say, for example, you find a heaping pile of feces in the corner of your living room. Now, there are only two possible culprits – your constantly yapping, lapping Pomeranian, or your wife. In honor of justice and due trial, you don your black robe – which you keep on hand for just these occasions, and you issue subpoenas to the alleged suspects. You set them down, courtroom-style, and begin the proceedings. Since the dog voices no complaints, you designate him as the defendant, which would make your wife the plaintiff. She is suing Mr. Fluffies for the amount of one roll of toilet paper, half a bottle of cleanser, and what was left of an old can of Lysol. First, you ask both parties what has happened. The dog cocks his head and looks at you as though you have made some strange noise he finds difficult to interpret, yet is interesting enough to warrant his attention.
You take careful note of his side of the story, then turn to your wife for her version. Her response is nearly identical to that of the Pomeranian. Now you have a dilemma. Both accounts of the events leave much for the asking, so you are forced to rely on your intuitive powers of reasoning to make a decision. Citing your wife’s lack of sufficient evidence, you rule in favor of the defendant, Mr. Fluffies, and order the plaintiff to pay the court costs and pet the dog for no less than twenty minutes.
In the post-trial interviews, both parties decline to comment, which is bizarre in the Pomeranian’s case, since he has just been vindicated and cleared of all charges. As you hang your robe back in the closet, you cannot help but feel a sense of pride in knowing that justice has once again been served. Satisfied with yourself, you plop down on the couch to watch some Jerry Springer.
