Mercurial Musings

I don’t believe I will ever understand females. Apart from the way they can tie a man’s brain in knots, they have some extremely peculiar habits. Of course, I realize that women could just as easily say that about men, but we’ll have to deal with that later.

First, let us consider the way a typical young lady garbs herself, beginning with the shoes. That should give my pen much ink, for I don’t know of very many girls who don’t have a closet full of them. Honestly, how many males do you know that have more than 20 pairs of shoes? I wear a pair of shoes until holes begin to form in the soles, and then I wear them some more. Women? They figure if they have worn a pair shoes three or four times it is time to buy some new ones. After all, there is a sale at Penny’s, and they need something to go with that new outfit they just bought. I swear, shoe salesmen must love women. In fact, I bet some girls are on a first name basis with mall employees.

And they never throw them away, regardless of the fact that they will never wear them again. I am starting to think that shoes are some kind of sacred relics to females.

I was walking to class with a good female friend, and she began to complain that her feet were hurting.

“It’s these shoes,” she said. I looked down, and she was wearing red high heels. So, I asked her, “If they hurt your feet, why did you wear them?”

“Because they’re cuuuute,” she replied. Ah, why hadn’t I thought of that before? Maybe girls look at other girls’ feet, but I very rarely look at anyone’s shoes, especially not to see what kind they are wearing. Maybe that is just me, but I suspect most males are the same way.

Consider the jeans some girls wear. Here we have Mariana Drags sporting a new pair of Levi’s. Now, no one is sure exactly how Mariana got those jeans on, but there she is, walking like a robot, taking tiny steps, unable to bend her knees. Unbeknownst to the general public, she has to get a couple of friends to help at night by holding her upside down by the ends of her pants and shaking her until she finally wiggles out onto the floor.

I don’t see how some females breathe. Oh, and you can forget about putting anything in their pockets – it just ain’t happening. I realize that not all girls wear tight jeans, but Holy Buddha, some of you females should be nicer to yourselves.

It’s strange how a female will wear revealing, provocative clothing and then become angry when some guy stares at her. What do you expect when you only put on half of your shirt? Did you cut those little flesh-revealing designs or did it come that way? If it was like that when you bought it, did you pay full price for it? Where is the section that is supposed to cover the breasts? You should have gotten a discount.

Some girls seem obsessed with makeup. Have you ever seen a girl with so much paint on her face that you wondered if there actually was a face beneath all of that gook? Granted, there are some women who need makeup – and by all means, please wear it. But, what about us ugly guys? Why can’t we paint our faces to make us look better?

Speaking of putting on makeup, why does it take some females two hours to get ready? It takes me about 15 minutes, and that includes taking a shower, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, and getting dressed – not necessarily in that order. It takes a girl 15 minutes just to get in the right mindset to get in the shower. What sort of ritualistic mantras or ceremonies take place behind that bathroom door?

Another thing that has always been a mystery to me is the fact that women do not seem able to go to the bathroom by themselves. For some reason, they use the buddy system. What is that all about, anyway? Are they afraid of getting mugged in the restroom or does it just get lonely in there? If a guy told me he was going to the bathroom and asked me if I wanted to come, I would run away as fast as I could.

No, I will never understand the ways of women, but I take comfort in the probability that no other man will either.